Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
