Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
