Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
sarcasm needs its own font
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize