i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
