hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
As shirtless as possible
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize