ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Randomize
