Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
