Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
