I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
