He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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