Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
