Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
