god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
