the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
