anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
