you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
