working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize