I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
