This house was built for laser tag.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize