i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Randomize
