girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Randomize
