I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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