she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
