You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
