you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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