Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize