Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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