Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
