Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
