so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
