I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
