So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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