I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
