I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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