Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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