im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
