I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
