I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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