I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
