So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i will never coherently bang her
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
