onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize