I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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