Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
