I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize