i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Randomize
