he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
