I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
