It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Green mimosas i think yes
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
