he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
