Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
