no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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