My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
you never un-have a 4some
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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