he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
