come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
