The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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