I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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