what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
