I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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