The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
