you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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