Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
wanna go halves on a baby?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
