She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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